One aspect of rabbinic service that I truly cherish is the ability to be a part of life cycle events. To be able to be with a person, couple or family at an important time in their life is a gift and a blessing.
I have a particular fondness for weddings. It was a wedding that drew me closer to deciding to become a rabbi-a good friend from college was getting married, and he and his partner asked me to participate in the ceremony. It wasn’t a Jewish wedding-they are both not religious and the bride’s father served as the officiant-and they asked me to participate as one of the several readers they were going to invite to read a passage they had selected. I was surprised and honored to be asked, and it was indeed a special moment. After having that experience I began to think more about what rabbinic work would be like, and this function of service was very appealing and moving.
I had occasion to celebrate a wedding this past weekend. I stood under the huppah with the bride and groom as they exchanged rings, shared wine, received blessings and joined together in sacred relationship. Surrounded by family and friends, it was a joyous event for all, and it was a joy to be a part of it. Earlier that day I was talking to a neighbor, and when I mentioned that I was to officiate at a wedding later, she lit up and said that it must be wonderful to be able to do that. It truly is.
When I officiate at a wedding, I serve multiple roles. My primary one is that of spiritual leader, guiding the ritual and the liturgy, and providing a spiritual rite to mark this important moment. I help facilitate the sacred agreement that is marriage, a loving partnership between two people. In addition, I serve as an agent of the state, attesting to the fact that a wedding did take place and reporting to the state that these two people are married. I help facilitate the civil agreement that is marriage.
When I do a wedding, I usually don’t make a big deal out of the civil documents. We sign them, we get them out of the way, and then I turn my attention to the ketubah, the Jewish wedding contract, and the rest of the ceremony. To be honest I have mixed feelings about the civil part, I feel that the spiritual and the legal should stay separate. Perhaps couples should have to go to a civil legal authority-a clerk, a judge-and get married civilly, and then have a religious ceremony with a rabbi or another member of the clergy. But as long as the law allows, I do this on behalf of the people I serve. The civil component is an important part of the wedding and marriage.
Which is why I celebrated marriage multiple times this weekend. For in addition to the wedding I had occasion to officiate, we also saw the beginning of gay civil marriage in my home state of New York. This, too, was occasion to celebrate. Watching the photos come out of New York was joyous-watching committed couples (some very long time) finally overcome a legal obstacle, and have the ability to have the same rights, the same access that other couples do, was tremendous. While as a rabbi I primarily approach marriage as a spiritual enterprise, the civil imprimatur provides a public acknowledgement that carries its own weight and meaning.
[It was especially delightful to see the clergy of Congregation Beit Simchat Torah, a LGBT synagogue in Manhattan, set up a rainbow huppah to officiate at the wedding ceremonies.]
Marriage is a spiritual partnership, but it is also a legal one in our society. The same status should be afforded to both aspects. So while currently I will officiate at the religious ceremony of a same-sex couple, I look forward to the day that my legal standing will apply in these cases as well. There are more obstacles ahead, other states and federal legislation. But looking forward is not enough, we should be committed to making it happen. New York, then Washington? Then we not only shatter the glass at the end of the wedding, but we shatter another form of discrimination.
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